My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
