What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Holy shit dude........stairs
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
