I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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