i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He shit in the fireplace
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
