i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
