I cannot find my penis.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Randomize
