be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
