Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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