Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
from now on my penis is your penis
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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