Don't you send me to vm
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
