Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
