I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
