i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
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I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
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Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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