I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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