i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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