i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
