if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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