You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
