Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize