$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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