bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
