Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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