I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
