I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
How's work?
Spinning.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
