Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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