he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
