yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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