Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
