Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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