Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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