I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
