my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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