I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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