I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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