Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
