if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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