seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
