awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
