Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
