We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
