So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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