You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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