getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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