We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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