Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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