My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
