The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
