am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
