where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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