yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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