i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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