went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
