I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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