so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
