You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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