if only i could text you this smell
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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