Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
