conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
