I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
