My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
