thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
