just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
