Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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